My life over the last 12 months has been bizarre, weird, and wild. My emotions have been all over the place. I fell in love, and I fell out of love. I accepted that I’m bisexual. I’ve dealt with emotions I have never dealt with before.
Last summer I had a rather intense, online sexual thing with M. It lasted a few months. I hadn’t talked to him in months. He showed up unexpectedly on yahoo messenger. He thought he could pick right up where he left off. His attitude irritated the hell out of me, so no way was that happening. I’m not the person I was a year ago. My marriage is better than it was a year ago. I don’t need that kind of distraction in my life anymore. I told him nothing was going to happen. He still talked like it would. I told him to leave me alone, because I wasn’t interested. I haven’t heard from him again.
I’ve mentioned K before. She is the one who made me question my sexuality in the first place. Because of her, I had to admit to myself that I am bisexual. I admitted to being attracted to her, and even having a crush on her. I think my feelings are a little deeper than that, but that is not something I could ever pursue. She deserves to be happy, and that is not something I could never do. So….I have to balance friendship with whatever else it is I’m feeling.
And then, there’s Trouble with a capitol T. Oh, man. I have no clue what is happening with her. I just know I really like talking to her. She’s incredibly interesting to me. She has to be for me to be awake at 2am talking to her. Lol
And my long suffering husband, David. I’m glad he hasn’t given up on me after what I’ve put him through the last year. He is a wonderful man, and I am so blessed to have him.
Things have changed so much for me. I have changed so much. My attitudes have changed. The compulsions that were driving me are gone. I’m becoming more at peace with myself. I’ve learned to accept things for what they are, and not for what I want them to be. I’ve learned to let go of things, and feelings. I’ve learned to enjoy the good things, and let go of what I can’t control.
I don’t know how much of this change was brought about by accepting myself, but I think it has had a big impact on me. I can admit I am attracted to a female, and that I have feelings for her. I can let go of the destructive behaviors I had because I was trying to overcompensate for denying reality. I no longer feel the need to prove that I’m straight. I’m not straight, I’m bisexual. I can get turned on, and turn on both males and females. I just know that while my emotions are still pretty wild at the moment, I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been. And that’s a damn good place to start.