I don’t sleep very well. I always have too much on my mind. Too many people on my mind. I’m a mess. I admit it. I want too much. I want things I can’t have.
For 20 years I was satisfied with my life. But things happened. I’ve changed. I want more than I did before. I love my husband very much, and I really don’t even understand why I have the desire for other things. But I do want them.
Maybe part of it is that because I came out as being bisexual, but with no experience, people are telling me I need to go out and find a woman. I’m struggling with the monogamy at the moment. I want to honor my commitment, and I certainly don’t want to cause my husband any more pain than I already have. But I do want more. I know I can’t have it, but I still want it.
This situation really sucks. I have an awesome husband. He is wonderful man, and I really could not imagine there is a better man out there for me. But the problem is that I want a woman. Hence the struggle.
“Just say no” sounds so easy. Just deny the feelings. Don’t let the thoughts enter the mind. Don’t think about what it would like to taste and feel a woman. Don’t think about touching a woman’s soft skin, or play with her hair. Don’t think about kissing her. Don’t think about that beautiful smile. It sounds so easy, but it is far from easy.
Maybe it’s the fact that I can’t have it that makes me want it even more. It is the forbidden fruit. It is that juicy apple I just want to take a bite out of. I want to taste it. I want the juices to drip down my chin. I want that sweetness,
I don’t struggle with being bisexual in the sense that I do believe it was the way God made me. It isn’t a choice, and I can’t change it. What I’m struggling with, is now that I have accepted it, I do want to experience the things I never have before.
And I know if I make the choice to go after those experiences, I will lose my husband. I will lose the one person who loves me more than anything. I will lose my soul mate.
When I took my marriage vows, I meant them 100%. I meant the for “better or worse” and the “forsaking all others”. But 20 years and 5 months ago, I didn’t know/accept that I was bisexual. I had no idea these desires would reach out from my sub conscience, and take root.
How I wish I could rewind the last 12 months, and go back to being content. I wish I didn’t experience the steps that lead me to accepting that part of me. Yes, I know that means I would be denying my true self. I know it means I would be back to hiding.
Relationships require sacrifices. I am required to sacrifice what I desire. I can’t have it all. If I have what I want, I will lose what I already have. And I can’t lose my husband. I would be lost without him. I can’t imagine not having him to hug. I can’t imagine not having him here to make me laugh.
I am not “settling” by choosing to remain monogamous. I choose to keep my marriage intact. I’ve already done enough damage to it. I’ve already hurt David, and he certainly doesn’t deserve that.
I wish I could turn off feelings. I wish it was possible to banish thoughts. I wish these desires weren’t there. I wish I could indulge in them, and not cause damage. I wish I could have that woman, and have the experience. I wish life was simple again. I wish that I didn’t crave things. I wish I wasn’t crying right now. I wish I could sleep.