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It’s not a sin, and it’s not a choice

I talked to another one of my sisters last night on Facebook. I asked her if she saw the post I made about coming out as a bisexual. She said I was her sister, and she loved me just the same. Then she said something about the other sister (the one who said it was the devil & I needed to get right). She said that Donna was supposed to hate the sin, not the sinner.

I was kind of floored. I told her that it wasn’t a sin to be gay. God made us this way. It is a sin to be promiscuous, but not to be the way you were born. 

Why is it so hard for people to understand that it isn’t a choice? No one wants to feel like a freak. No one wants to run the risk of being rejected or shunned. No one wants the turmoil of being different.

My own husband still thinks it’s a choice. He is having a hard time accepting that I am attracted to women. He’s ok with me looking at pictures, but he can’t grasp that the attraction would mean I would want sex too.

I’m glad I have the conviction of believing that God made me this way. I know it isn’t a choice, and it can’t be changed. I have the choice to act on it or not, but the attraction alone is not a sin. I’m not going to allow someone to tell me I’m going to hell for something that is part of my DNA.

You can’t pray away the gay. There is nothing broken that needs to be healed. I don’t need to be fixed. The only thing I need to get right with is my relationship to God, and only because of other things, not about being bi. And I certainly don’t have the devil in me.

I have plenty of issues in my life, I’m too shy, I’m an introvert, I have a minor case of social anxiety, I am paranoid about several things, I’m in love with two men, and I have health issues. But I don’t have an issue with being bisexual. I’m still learning what that even means, but I don’t fight what I know is part of me.

I have been asked why I feel the need to tell people about me being bisexual. I was accused of doing it because I want attention. I tell people for the main reason that if they feel hatred for something that is a part of me and can’t be changed, I don’t want them in my life. I will not change to make someone else more comfortable. I’m comfortable in the skin I’m in. I am what I am. I’m not going to hide what is me. I won’t go around waving a rainbow flag in peoples faces, but I’m not going to stay silent either.

I’m short. I’m fat. I have brown hair and green eyes. I’m bisexual. You either accept all of me, or you don’t. I don’t waste my energy on people who hate me. I’d rather love the people who love me back.

I’m not going to change the world with my words, but maybe I can change one person’s opinion. I am going to be the strong person God made me to be. I’m going to continue to be short, fat and bisexual. Society is not going to change me. Ignorance is not going to change me. Hatred is not going to change me. I am me.

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11 thoughts on “It’s not a sin, and it’s not a choice

  1. Well said! I’ve always been of the mind that it is a choice and simply because one has to decide what they are going to do about how they feel and if there isn’t a choice, it’s that they had no choice in developing the feelings. A lot of people say that it isn’t a choice and I’ve always thought that it’s because they don’t see decision making as being choice; I’m not sure why they feel that way but conversations with a lot of bi and gay folks helped me come to this conclusion.

    You (not you) feel that you’re bi or gay and the first choice made covers whether or not to accept this feeling. One could ignore or otherwise dismiss it but if this is the real deal, it’s kinda hard to make go away. The next choice comes in deciding what, if anything, can or will be done about the way you feel and, of course, some choose to do nothing based on their situation while others choose to take the plunge.

    God gave us free will and that includes the ability to choose and we can choose to follow our religious teachings in this (and other things) or we can choose to walk a different path and one that allows us to hold onto our faith. And you’re right: People shouldn’t hate just because you’ve chosen something that they wouldn’t choose for themselves; just because it might not be right for them doesn’t mean that your choice isn’t right for you.

    Once again, I thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us!

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    • You always have the choice on how you react to any situation. But you really don’t have a choice on your sexuality. It just drives me crazy that people act like it is a choice at all. I choose to stay faithful to my husband, but I can’t choose to not be attracted to a woman should I happen to come across one who draws me in.

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      • It doesn’t matter if I choose to accept it or not, it’s a fact that I am attracted to women. I could deny it all I want to, but I would still be turned on by the women I’m attracted to. The fact that I do recognize it is irrelevant to it existing.

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      • Is it really irrelevant? Could be – I just never thought it was because even if it’s fact, one still has to accept the fact – so it’s still choice even if it doesn’t seem like one. I love this discussion because while I have my thoughts on the matter, I get to find out how others see it.

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      • Let me put it this way, if you see a hot guy you’re attracted to, your body will react whether you want it to or not. That is not a choice. The choice would come from whether or not you approached him or if you walked away.
        You do not choose who you are attracted to. That is ingrained in you.
        You could choose to deny it and never look at another male, but that is a choice too.

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  2. disconcerted72 says:

    I have to admit, that sex and religion are ingriguing concepts and I truly struggle with the “acceptance” between the two. On some level, I think there is something to be said about sexual morality…there are, in fact, serious consequences to putting yourself out there with any person you meet. There are diseases, unwanted preganancies, hurt emotions, etc., etc. So, on some level I think there is some wisdom in having some decency when it comes to sex. But on the other hand, I really don’t like the idea that there is something incomplete about the “hate the sin not the sinner” mentality. What if someone was gay, and as I believe, it is completely natural? Then how can that person feel like they are in a fulfilling and sustaining relationship, without “sinning”? So, to me there is this inherent short-sightedness about “hating the sin and not the sinner”. It’s like saying, “it’s okay to like chocolate, but you can never have any”. This, to me, is the moderation argument.

    I’m just not sold on the whole idea that we can be bisexual, but we must not “sin”.

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  3. To me, the “sin” is random sex. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a committed relationship. Being promiscuous is wrong whatever sex you’re involved with. But I think your sexuality is natural, it isn’t a “sin” to be gay or bi.
    With that said, I’m no saint, and it’s not up to me to judge anyone. We have to abide by our own conscious.

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