How could I not know?

I’m 46, and it took me until a few months ago to figure out I was bisexual. Sounds improbable, doesn’t it? You would think a person would know what they’re attracted to. But because I am bi and I liked guys, I managed to ignore the signs I was attracted to females.

My first clue was when I was 7, and kissed the girl next door. When I was 8, I had a crush on my female teacher. When I was 10, I found porn, and it turned me on. Any time as a teen when I found a Playboy, I would really look at it.

I had a major crush my high school French teacher. I just convinced myself that I really wanted to be like her. She was beautiful, spoke several languages and had traveled. I used to take her roses from my bushes. Yet it never occurred to me that it was a physical attraction as well.

As an adult, I admitted that females turned me on, but I said I didn’t want to have sex with them (in denial much?) Playboys still turned me on, but Playgirls didn’t. (I’m not a lesbian. I get turned on by men, but looking at dicks doesn’t do it for me)

It took a series of events last year to make me face facts. The first event was a pretty hot online sexual thing with a guy. The second event was my falling in love with another guy. The third event was becoming friends with a female online & admitting she attracted me. And it isn’t even a sexual attraction. She just draws me in. The final thing was talking to my best friend, he asked me several questions about attraction. He said, Yes, you’re bisexual.

Wow. I kind of needed someone to point out the obvious to me. It’s funny how you can look at something every single day, but never really see it. That was me with my attraction to women. When I was a kid and looking at porn, I felt guilty because I knew porn was considered wrong. But I didn’t think I shouldn’t be looking at it because I was a female.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had realized things sooner, or if I hadn’t gone to a Christian college, or if a female had ever flirted with me. I guess things happen the way they’re supposed to happen. I believe my husband is my soul mate, and I probably wouldn’t have met him if any of those other things had happened. But why did I even have to admit anything though? Why couldn’t it have stayed buried. I mean, 46 years is a really long time to ignore something.

I don’t pretend to have any answers. My entire life has been turned upside down in the last 12 months. Maybe it’s like the case of me falling in love with someone online, I helped him get ready for his perfect woman. Maybe I’m making my discoveries, and it might help someone else along the way with theirs.

It’s all pretty confusing to me. Trying to explain things to other people when I don’t fully understand them myself is a challenge. And I’m not doing this for attention. I write because it helps me understand things just a little bit better. And sometimes the feedback I get is pretty helpful. I just have to have faith in God, myself and whatever the future brings.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s