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I just wanted to be normal

All I ever wanted to be was “normal”. I wanted to be thinner, to be taller, to have smaller boobs, to be less shy, to not feel like a constant outsider. I wanted to have friends. I wanted a boyfriend.

I’m even more overweight now. I’m still short. I’m still big chested. I’m still shy, but not as bad. I still feel like an outsider. I do have friends, both real and imaginary (lol, online). And I’m married to a wonderful man.

I’m never going to be normal. My personality is just too bizarre to be ordinary. I’m opinionated, and not afraid to speak my mind. I love to make people laugh. I’m a smart ass. I attract an interesting array of people to my life.

I attract men. That has always puzzled me. I never understood why. I’m short, heavy, have brown hair, and green eyes. I also have a big chest, and have been told I have a nice ass for a white girl (Lol, that was 20 years ago. Told to me by a customer at Denny’s) But, yeah, I’ve never had a problem attracting men.

As an extremely shy person, that attention wasn’t always welcomed. It’s difficult being 11 years old, and having grown men hit on you. It makes the shyness even more extreme. Sometimes I just wanted to become invisible. Except I’m not invisible.

OK, not sure where I’m going here. Oh, yeah…..normal. Normal doesn’t exist for me. Even when it comes to love. Twenty two years ago, I met my soul mate. I married him 11 months after we started dating. I have loved him for what feels like forever. He is the other half to my soul. So, can someone explain to me how I could fall in love with someone else? Not just someone else, someone online. I haven’t met him in person. The feelings are real, no matter how weird or bizarre it seems to be.

So, my love life is not normal. One part of it is. One part is the romantic, chick flick variety of love. The other part is more like a demented screen writer’s version of modern love. Yes, I fell in love online, where personality counts more than anything. Online, where the fact there is a 18 year age difference doesn’t matter.

As if those two parts weren’t complicated enough, I get to add another plot twist. Enter in the fact that I became attracted to a female friend. I don’t want to have sex with her, but just the fact that I acknowledged an attraction was a major thing. So, that leads to conversations with my bi best friend (a very handy thing to have when you’re discovering things about yourself) The conversations with Don made me face up to the fact, that yes, I was attracted to women as well as men.

Yay for being even more confused. I’m not confused about my sexuality. I am bisexual. But the confusion stems from the fact that I already love two men and there is sexual component to both, but now I have these other desires about women as well. I know polyamory is a lifestyle choice for some, it’s not an option for me. So, I have a monogamous marriage, and am not allowed to experiment. I get to look, but not touch.

If you saw me on the street, you’d probably dismiss me as being average. You couldn’t possibly know the turmoil going on inside. Frankly, I’m not normal. I’m extraordinary. I am unique. I have an endless capacity for love, giving and receiving it. I guess being normal is over rated.

 

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