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What a mess

Life is simpler when you can slap labels on things, and put them in neat little boxes. What happens when you come across something you can’t label at all? You get chaos.

Up until eight months ago, I was content with my life. I had my husband of almost 20 years, we had a house, our vehicles and our dogs. I spent alot of time online, mostly on Twitter.

Somewhere around April, I started talking to a young guy because I was concerned about him. His tweets seemed so sad. We talked alot, about all kinds of things. He wasn’t always the easiest person to get a conversation from, but to me, he was interesting.

Sometime in August, we were talking. He told me he was having feelings for me. I more or less blew it off, thinking it was a crush that would pass. I mean, why would a guy almost 19 years younger than me, love me?

Then, on September first, he tweeted some things that had me worried. I was afraid he’d do something. I tried messaging him, and I even tried calling (even thought I knew he wouldn’t answer). He wouldn’t talk to me. I got upset, and started crying. I couldn’t understand why I was getting so upset over someone I only talked to in DMs on Twitter.

You can’t imagine my shock when it finally hit me that the reason I was so upset, was because I loved him. I love my husband, and at that point, I had loved him for over 20 years. How on earth could I fall in love with someone else? How is that even possible?

I don’t know how it happened, but it did. It is possible to be in love with two people at one time. The friendship and strong connection I had with J changed without me even being aware of it. I never thought such a thing was possible, so I had no defenses against it.

Previously, J had told me he had feelings for me. He hadn’t really mentioned them again. But one day we were talking, and he told me he loved me. I hesitated, because I knew if I said it back, everything would change. But I said it back. And everything did change.

At this point, you’re probably thinking I was being catfished. Honestly, I wondered that too. I was 46, white, middle aged, and overweight. And then I have a 27 year old, thin, black guy telling me he’s in love with me. It doesn’t seem possible.

So, the impossible is possible after all. I was in love with two men at once. I fell in love over the internet. And the love was returned by both men. It boggles the mind.

I’ve only been in love twice in my life. And it happened simultaneously. Hence the chaos. And it is love. I’m not some desperate woman trolling the internet for a soul mate. I actually have mine already. I wasn’t looking for anything. I just happened to like talking to J. It wasn’t even a sexual thing. I totally fell for his quirky personality.

We continued to talk alot. A few times on the phone, but mostly online. I wanted to meet him to watch a Dolphins game together, that didn’t happen. In fact, I haven’t met him at all. Yes, life is bizarre. I loved someone I had never met. It is possible.

I always knew there was never a chance for us to be a couple. I was never going to leave my husband, and my husband wouldn’t share me. But the love was still was there.

He felt like there was no one out there for him. I told him that maybe his perfect person just wasn’t ready yet. That timing is a major thing. And maybe he wasn’t ready for his perfect person either. As much as I wanted him, and I wanted to be with him, I knew it wasn’t happening.

I tried to understand why all of it even happened. I really do love my husband. That never changed. Then it kind of hit me, maybe my purpose in his life was to help him get ready for his perfect person. Dealing with J taught me lessons in patience, and how to not be so intense about things.

Months passed. He decided he deserved to be loved completely by a woman. He asked a coworker out. She had only been working there a few weeks. But he did it on impulse. And they hit it off. He met his perfect woman, and fell in love with her.

So here comes the chaos again. He loves her. But he still has feelings for me. I love my husband, but I still have feelings for J. You can’t just shut feelings off. They may fade eventually, but you can’t just decide one day that they’re gone.

If I had any sense, I’d cut off contact, and try to forget him. But honestly, he was a friend first, and he’ll always be my friend. But instead of being just a friend, I love him too. Really complicated. 

Things have changed. He says I’m his best friend. I know he loves me, but he’s in love with her. I’m actually good with that. I wish them all the best., And I hope they last til they’re old and gray together. But, there is the part of me that’s still in love with him too. The part of me that wants to be with him. But at the same time, I’ve given up the romantic ideas of that ever happening.

So, love is chaos. You can’t control who you fall in love with. The only thing you can control is how you act. I haven’t met J in person, and I’m actually glad about that. I don’t think I could be so happy for him if we had actually been together. I know I probably wouldn’t still be married either. My husband knows about J because I told him. He deals with it, but only as long as we don’t meet.

Love isn’t something you can slap a label on, and file it away somewhere. It’s messy and complicated. Emotions always are. I still believe it was meant to happen. But that honestly doesn’t it make it that much easier to deal with the fall out from it.

Love is a mess. You can love someone, and know you aren’t meant to be together. If you truly love them, you want what’s best for them and what makes them happy. You can love your soul mate, and be content knowing they love you back and will always have your back. Love is complicated. But sometimes it just is. And you have to just let it exist.

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