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Life is weird

Life is weird. You grow up believing you’re supposed to have certain things in order to be happy, or to be a success. I found my soul mate, and got married when I was 26. We’ve been married for 20 years.

I wasn’t able to have kids, and he knew that before we got married. I’ve mostly accepted that fact, and I’m ok with it about 98% of the time. But that other 2% of the time is a killer. I can be watching some show, and suddenly start sobbing over a story line or a cute kid. I can read about a parent who murdered a child and wonder why God allows such things to happen. I can look at my own sister who gave up three kids because she put her crack head husband before them.

So, I have a husband I love, and no children. Then, to my surprise, I fell in love with a guy I talked to online. Wow. That wasn’t one of the things we were told would happen. That made for alot of drama and tears. But it came with smiles and laughter too. We weren’t meant to be together, but it was meant to happen. I have no doubt about that. We were both changed for the better because it happened.

So, I have a husband, no kids, and another man I love, but can’t be with. So then, after 46 years of living, I finally figured out I’m bisexual. You would think that would be obvious, but it’s not hard to deceive yourself when you don’t want to face something. I’ve always known the attraction to women was there, I just never thought about it, or labeled it.

So, I have a husband, no kids, a man I love but can’t be with, and a desire for women I can’t indulge in either. Yay, me. I’ve never physically cheated on my husband (we won’t get into whether or not online stuff is cheating) so I can’t discover what it truly means to be with another woman.

Life is such a journey. You can take the super highway and get from point A to point B, but life isn’t really like that. More often it’s a case of starting on the highway, then getting lost on the back roads. You tend to discover things you never knew existed, or how much they can be enjoyed. You fall in love with your soul mate (if you’re lucky) or you can fall in love with someone who is such a total surprise, you never thought it was possible. Or you wake up one day, and finally admit that enjoying those pictures of women meant you actually desired them.

Life is weird. It’s also wacky, wonderful, wild and totally unexpected. Take a chance some time. Let your heart be open to new things. Accept what is, and what can never be. Accept yourself, and all of your uniqueness. Love who you want to love. Maybe the love doesn’t work out, but even if it doesn’t, you can still have some awesome memories from it. Smile more. Laugh more often. Be bold, and ask someone out. Just be you, no one else can do it better.

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